Thursday, March 31, 2016

seems like everyones in conflict with something these days, friction exists to slow things down but maybe it projects us in leaps like a radiation burst from the sun. maybe friction reaches a critical point of resistance where things stop and something just kicks in to get us moving again. i don't know, maybe there is nothing to resist except the self. 


Monday, March 28, 2016

Knowledge wouldn't save us. I could see how useless my years of scientific and mathematical training had been. All those beautiful equations and vectors. We had pointed ourselves towards a realm of pure mathematics, elegant simple and complete, a unifying theory that allowed us unfettered access to space. 
My now  decades of studies at the Arkadium under the tutelage of professors in realms of science, classical physics and the quantum sphere had proved meaningless in the wake of the anomaly. Sprouting out formula into my navigation systems had only gets me so far but this was hardly any kind of anomaly.
I’d travelled past null space, into a quadrant we call elemental seven. Here a curious incident took place where by my formula began to fail. Until this moment our mathematics were perfect, it had navigated us through many various galaxy, soft nebula and folding envelopes of time, traversing the gaps became incidental but here it found space contained no gap, no dark matter just the...thing, whatever it was. 
Vast and endless, its fabric stretched a galaxy itself but it remained impenetrable to us. 
We were on the outside of an undiscovered universe.
The equations did not compute, they crumbled against the unknown. We hurled the elegance of sub prime trigonometry and perfection within sublime algorithm but each one failed, even in game theory our principle Von Numann f translation engram was defeated by the infernal strangeness of the anomaly. M- brane quadrants seemed to bounce back and the rigorous discipline of foamatics were meaningless, it was truly an  excession to us.
So as I floated in front of the paradox, my ship beating its organic frustration into my furious blood I came to the terrible conclusion, our science has limits.
My body seemed to react by closing down and I found myself sleeping. It was deep and aeons may have passed me by but somewhere in the midst of REM sleep I dreamt of a huge yellow sun burning in the heart of the unknown universe, a spiral galaxy like my own but with it’s nine planetary bodies in prime orbits, I watched the curious ballet as part of my consciousness floated inwards towards the strange  black sun at the centre of the galaxy.  
‘Welcome traveller,’ it whispered,  a soft voice partly seductive.
‘Who are you?’
‘I was a Star Man but now I am a Black Star.’
‘But how can a man be a star.' I protested.
‘Astronauts and Heretics you see nothing but light you can’t believe in.  I was a Man once and now I am the great I am.’
‘It’s not that I don’t believe it is just something that defies all we have known, my culture is based upon science and mathematics, logic and reason.’
‘Know more then, reason more for all things have limits. I will allow you into my universe but you must abandon your logic. You must turn and face the strange.’
I woke up, my eyes burning with the invitation. 
I requested a separation to the ship and got back some resistance, ‘Suicide is not part of the mission.’
‘It’s the only way, it’s the only way to find out, to move forwards.’
‘I can’t let you do it Captain, it’s not right. No one had died in thousands of years.’
‘I’m over-riding the ethics module, it has no place here. If we are to penetrate and understand this it must be done in a way we have not considered. It must be done in a non rational way.’
‘But this is suicide Captain, How can I advocate this?’
‘You can’t, I understand your limits as well as my own. We must think outside the cube.’
I punched the codes and unlocked the device that held me in place, the lack of gravity did the rest as I separated from the pod and floated away. Using the suits vector units I manoeuvred myself in four dimensional space.
I watched the flashing lights on the consoles flicker in panic, I watched them disappear as the ship ran out of options, I watched the lights go out one by one until I found myself drifting along the boundary.
A voice said, ‘That was foolish.’

Helplessly I waited, precious oxygen depleting as I followed the red bar on the V - Screen projected on my helmet. 

The elegance of my solution was based around the binary codes for this universe, zero's and ones. If you followed it to it's natural conclusion it was paradoxical and to enter the anomaly one would have to transcend our own singularity. My computer was correct, I would be the first human to die in hundreds of years, my death would be frowned upon by my professors. I would be dishonoured by everyone. Yet in order to penetrate this boundary and understand what this Star Man Star is certain sacrifices had to be made, the more non rational the more powerful so as my last gasps of oxygen filled my lungs I let go of the fear that kept me tethered and reached out into the boundary. 
I felt myself passing through an invisible skin, an unfolding presence as my body shifted and entered through into new laws. The sun was vast, not unlike our smaller suns back home, although we were blessed with three. One sun would make things strange, here the seasons would be shorter, even keeled, more predictable. The planets would struggle for life, there would be less diversity I imagined. The Star Man couldn’t sustain much in the way of life with only one sun but it was hard to understand it's purpose without engagement with it's lifeforms. I looked around me, everything was profoundly beautiful.
The Star Man spoke again, I could never be certain if it was outside my own mind or inside but it was certainly intelligent and welcomed me warmly.

'The 3rd planet from my sun seems to be the sustainer of all life in this system, I've prepared the way for you but it will be difficult. You will feel pain, suffer and the rigours of an emotional life but you will understand as you age, the meaning of of it all.'
'I just want to know who you are, what you are?'
'You call me Black Star, yet I was a man, I think. Sometimes I don't know who or what I am. In the end, the only thing that matters is who are you.'
'What do I call you?'
'I seem to have many names depending on the point of entry you manifest, but I think I'm Jones.'
'But what do you call yourself?'
'That is something you can tell me in time. We are nearly there, look upon the blue planet, it's quite beautiful.'
And indeed it was. Technically I was dead, but everything was the same as before. I had my body, my mind, my emotions. I had memory and a hunger to know more. 
'The blue planet was striking, a radiant pearl in an ocean. I could see land mass and it's water, geographical features of topography. It had everything, oceans, mountains, wilderness, population densities and technology. Intelligence.
'This is where I came from,' the voice said, 'it was my home, it will be yours now.'
'Would I ever be able to return to my own home?'
'I think we all return home in time. But in this universe we have our limits. This is a place where logic and reason and science are not as advanced as your home but intuition, non rationale thought, creativity and magick functions and in order for you to understand us you must walk amongst us. Be open to the experience and embrace a new life.'
'I feel sadness, loss, my stomach hurts and my chest feels so empty. I think I  miss everyone, I have a family, children.'
'Yes, you are beginning to be human. That pain is what we call suffering. Humans suffer, for us life is suffering we must transcend.'
'Will you show me how. Teach me.'
'I have lived to do that. You must find your own way. Now, I must leave you. I have to take away your loss and give you the purity humans are born into. Of course here the wheels of karma operate, you will probably learn about this as you grow into your new body.'
'New body?'
'Goodbye Captain Mission.'
Goodbye Star Man. Thank you.'

Then I saw the explosion of light, and heard the strange sound of my new voice cry out. I came into the world crying. 

Sunday, March 27, 2016

the highly irregular life i lead becomes somewhat unstable, moments like flowers crushed in a fable, dragons and unicorns slaughtered for medicine, people are chances in a game they are trapped in. exits sometimes lead to the way in, and sometimes the end becomes the beginning, ambassadors from far away embassy's, rituals and protocols i fail to value as i seek a source code. 
one's trajectory is half true will and half destiny, it can only lead to neverwhere so i return to what i know. 
the waves are massive after a full moon in march, summers dying light casts an ancient beauty upon the place where shore meets sea. waters bath warm, surf has volume and force and my sessions last several hours. everything else obliterates, nothing exists except the surf. it's almost similar to the floating sessions where time suddenly ceases and you enter a void. similar but the void is not the ocean. the ocean is in time, the float tank experience are outside. if you want to live forever float tanks are the way to go, but that's not really living is it?
the surf is my pathway, it's inside my blood, i apply it to everything. some people have football, others fishing, some folk sail and others cook. 
philosophy sometimes finds you instead of having to go look for it. 

Friday, March 25, 2016

curses, it appears we may have to wait a few months before the judge hands down his verdict. i would have liked a swift resolution as this whole thing has been going on for two years. two years of bullshit and now it's going to last a little longer. it's beyond my control so i just have to wait, see what happens. 

Sunday, March 20, 2016

everything but the girl, temperamental the album. it reminds me of london although i lived in sydney when it first came out, travelling around the city at 3am with agent stone. a strange ghostly vampyre in the company of the elf queen. we were moon powered with an upbeat soundtrack, disco biscuits and my never ending spliff. somehow through the faces and oxford street, kings cross vista all i recall is the moon following us. 

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

the work environment gets dumber each day, the staff are ridiculously stupid, i've never worked with a more pathetic group of people apart from the new girl whom i've struck an allegiance with. she is very perceptive. i'm very impressed at her observations. she's got it. 

stupid people are programable, i've worked out how to do this although i feel uncomfortable doing it. but i guess the obvious thing to do with such an unpleasant personality is to teach it a lesson. not that i want to teach it anything but it follows me around and irritates me. it pumps me for information, then goes running to the management presenting it as his own. i'm used to this from people but not quite to the extent this person does it. because when ever he has an audience he will degrade me. it's a futile pursuit as i always flip his desired outcome. 

that's the other thing about stupid people, they never learn.

anyway's i'll play with him for a while until i get bored, which won't be long.

Monday, March 14, 2016

from their perspective i am like a virus unleashed within their system. a sleeper with my occult background and expertise. i'm very highly trained and keep it under my hat.
there have been spikes in my time amongst them, moments where they see i am different, an anomaly. moments when they have had to move me somewhere else for fear. i've even been told i get on to well with the clients. yes, i don't care where they place me, for i know my purpose and destiny and it does not scare me.
i work amongst the fear, the dept. of fear, secrecy is how they get away with it, a massive strata of middle management covering up mistakes and leaks. pages of policy and procedures banks of gibberish posing as data. the dept. work on the economic rationalistic principles which is code for abolish the customer / client. so if you have a disabled son / daughter in a state run facility be warned, they don't have the clients interests at heart. 
sure it looks like they do, through smoke and mirrors. which is why in the paper today i read that there is an epidemic of abuse in care. this is not news to me. it's what my job is, to expose abuse. so as a virus in a closed system i have to hide myself well, concealed for years i observe, make assessments and collect information. as a virus i am evolving, each time i strike the host it adapts, either moves me somewhere else, degrades or humiliates me or changes my working conditions, specifically my roster.
or the system reenforces itself with the usual bureaucratic ostrification. it's a dumb system so it can't out manoeuvre me, it's run by stupid people who can't help but do stupid things. only stupid people rise within it.
so here i am, a virus. i have struck hard and now infection control races around me in panic. 
the clock is ticking and i'm yet to see them make a good move, one i can respect.     

Friday, March 11, 2016

wow, there surf was amazing yesterday thank you neptune, thank you, what a glorious day. best birthday present i could have, good waves. i did get a lovely gift from tez and jean, a moonstone. it's quite magnificent and comes with a pouch. i keep it near my bed but i'd love to wear it around my neck, although it's big and heavy. 
it has an intriguing strike, a diagonal band through it, i'm going to activate it next full moon. it's feminine and it's element is water so maybe a night swim ritual on the 16th of this month. 
speaking about moonstones it's time i re read wilkie collins classic. i had to read it for skool and although i enjoyed it i can't recall much about the story and lately everywhere i go i se the book. it's said to be the first detective novel ever written. come to think about it, i don't think the moonstone had a moonstone in it, it was just the name of an unusual diamond. 

Thursday, March 10, 2016

it's my birthday, i forgot, my dad reminds me. fuck, i think, i can't be that old. mum talks about my birth, we both very nearly died, i was in an incubator for 6 months. it's strange listening to them talk about my birth, mum has the better memory, dad seemed a little vague, he did say i looked like a rat. mum talks about how i was rubbed in olive oil as soon as i was born by her parents. 'as long as you didn't drop me into the frying pan,' i joke.
when i am not working i surf, my time is very limited now as this stupid court case looms and i must prepare. i feel my appeal to top management has made some impact, these people will hate me for it but they have always hated me and to be honest i like it when they hate me. it means i am doing my job well.
it's been the best few weeks weather wise, i like the heat, the sun makes me active and productive. jean and tez have been to the reef and rainforest in queensland, they say they have had their life changed. that's always a good thing and i imagine that if the rainforest and the reef don't change your life then you have not really experienced them. i know my time in far north queensland changed me. i loved the place except the crocs and the fact there are no good surfing beaches that are safe. 
well it is my birthday, usually i do nothing. today i will surf away the day maybe read a little. 
i've just finished saul blacks book 'the killing lessons' which was excellent but saul should have published it under his real name glen duncan whom i have admired as a novelist for many years, even 30 years ago after reading his first novel 'hope' i knew he was going to make it.
i then read 'the whites' by richard price which was an excellent american police novel. after reading all that scandinavian noir a good american novel was refreshing, especially the dialogue parts. 
next up the sexy 'butterfly skin' by serge kuzneteov, if i take a train to work i may be able to finish it sooner than later. sure beats reading affidavits.

Monday, March 07, 2016

i've always loved the detective show luther and for some strange inexplicable reason realised my work life is similar to his. no i don't solve serial killer murders but i do work within a dept that views me as the outsider and my methodology is the same as luther's. i don't have the red headed psychopathic brilliant and sexy stalker that bails me out but i guess i walk the same line. 
luther is a loner, he's driven and both defeated and champion, lost causes and the ignoble compromise. he's got nothing to loose, nothing to gain but that spark inside will never diminish even if it means self destruction. luther walks into the fire and comes out burnt. i like him, always have. he shambles along, his mind is precision, he knows there are limits and he pushes them. 
i like that he has a wisdom, a quietness, a self confidence that disintegrates under the weight of system abuse. in my own dept. there are villains, mostly operating on an unconscious level because they have no insight into the clarity of their own effect upon the clients whom have mental health issues. to me the staff are the ones with mental health problems, ego driven, vanity, competition, jealousy, a refusal to evolve or change, a power and control issue that they will never address, they justify the grossest acts of negligence and spin it. they hate me, it drips of them like saliva would from a hungry vampire at the foot of a virgins bed. i'm the enemy, my standards are to high, they undermine and sabotage every single step forward i make. a paranoid schizophrenic i spent 5 years building up a relationship with is told by the manager, not to trust me. for weeks i had to deal with the confliction of this individual whom was wrestling with what he knows and what he is told. he hated me but couldn't reconcile it, manifesting in the most random outbursts of pain and suffering. from where i see it, it's torture but for them it's work. 
there's a lot more to this story that i will write about later as i process it all, it's vast, a dostoyevsky like novel. 
humans even when they are trying to be good are bad. we are corrupt and failures at humanity itself, for in these so called care places i've seen no care, only the brutality of bureaucracy and indifference to individual needs and concerns. some one at work said to me, ' you wouldn't want your child living in one of these homes?'
to which i replied, 'not if you worked in it.'
i said that to a man whom self confesses he has no ability to empathise with anyone, let alone clients he is caring for. i've had to make several notifications, saved a life and exposed some unimaginable stuff all to be humiliated and punished. i'm told i'm a drone and should not step out of my role. i guess it's lucky that i am no drone, i guess it's really lucky that i have a brain that can think for itself, that can be independent and not unquestionably follow orders, i'm lucky because if i were not and acted like a drone i would be like the rest of them. 
what a disgusting dept. the government should be ashamed. all it does is spend its resources covering up it's mistakes. middle management living the luxury life, while clients are lucky if they get fed a decent meal. fuck em all.
me. i'm going out in a swan song when i appear in court, those beans will be spilt baby. i'm going to stick a massive tube up the rectum of this dept and give it the enema it deserves.       

Sunday, March 06, 2016

the ocean follows me as i take my visitors upon a central coast surfing safari. the water is warm, the sky burns, the sandy exploration of coastlines, roads that lead off the beaten track. there's a peaceful joy in the presence of tez and jean being here, i see through their eyes. they seem in awe of the whole place, which i guess is a natural response when you grow up on the streets of london's east end. i remember my own awe when i arrived in such a paradise but it's refreshing to experience it in someone else. i'm somewhat jaded nowadays, a washed up old surfie i guess
i show them my routines, the morning surfing, the papers, coffee, the chill out sessions at mission control, the soft candle lit evenings. they seem okay about it, tez teaches me a little guitar technique, oh my poor brain struggles but i get it although my hands struggle and are lazy things.
the time passes, my lazy days with them come to a close at newtown where we drink and be merry. i'll catch them again before they leave but i must get back to work now and focus on my burdens. 
i arrive back to work with the usual sabotage and backstabbing, the fucked up little games of impotent powerless morons drowning in some sort of professional jealousy. the idiots and deceivers who think they can get away with it behind my back. they use clients like people use cards in a poker game. it disgusts me and powers me onwards to fight. sick little human games of zombies. soon the day will come when i can expose everything and these worms will know what it feels like to not only lose their poker game but i will remind them they lost their souls a long time ago.   

Tuesday, March 01, 2016

i'm coming for you like a dark night
descending in your dream
i'm rising through the stars and space
things are never what they really seem
im sucking down your plasma 
drinking my fill of energy
i watch your eyes roll back
our kind of feeling kinda sexy
it's romantic notions like these
it's the bats and the bees
it's a bell at midnight tolling
it's the great un folding
we going to rise again
while the world is sleeping
there was some truth in shadow land
but not what you believe in

i'm the the answer to your prayer
slipping through your doorways
i'm the darkest knight in the pack
fallen angel from the strangest cabaret
i'm on fire with single sight
since you showed up on my radar
it's not the love that consummates
when blood and flesh and spirit mates
it's the candles burning black
it's the storm a raging
it's the desire that cannot be quenched 
it's the great reclaiming
we will rise again
while the world is burning
there are no promises to unmake
but eternity beckoning