Tuesday, August 31, 2010

why write?
to heal, to get out of the constraints that entrap us and be free, at least in my imagination if not quite a political sense.
healing operates on many levels, i'm healing chakras and deep tissue, taking control of my energy, becoming more conscious as my head expands into infinity, it's wild, i can feel the physical effects now, yes my head seems plugged in to something, my throat feels slightly more in control than it did, my heart is beautiful, my solar plexus luminance. the sexy red one sexy and i feel the earth pulse under my foot, that's gotta be good huh?
that's wendy, white witch. pranic healer, energy worker, my healer works.
getting it out is part of that exploding outwards, healing inwards, travelling through these dimensions, bringing information back and healing others is shamanism.
to get out is to unravel it all and hack the cosmos, get some real answers from teachers you meet on the way and the universe itself starts talking to you. that's magick to but it could be science soon.
i visit my ex mother in law who is dying. she has a few days left but she is whacked out on meds, she has really gone already, she is a shadow being, wears the death mask, her body is ravaged with this illness, her mind dispersed.
i speak to her partner who is surprised but happy to see me. i explain i lost their number and apologise for turning up. we talk a little, i feel calm inside but outwardly i feel like a nerdish hugh grant in some gothic movie,
there are nurses come to help caring all sorts of stuff, i don't see myself ever getting to this point. i don't want to die like this, i know i won't.
i stand outside and send some energetic healing over to them, it's not enough. suddenly it's not a good day for dying. what a contradiction i am sometimes. but for anything to be true it must contain it's own contradiction.
the days slips away from me. i think about all the things i have to do, i write a list and contemplate the tasks, i think about the events that lead to the moments, i skim the surface of the pool and dip under, i see the hopes and dreams aspire and unravel, i taste the bitter sweet, feel the pleasure and pain, the sensual narcotic breeze of illusion, the maya attracts our dense nature, it's so seductive, i'm just as weak when it comes to a girl with a nice smile and friendly disposition, i wander through the morning seeing people stare at me, wave and come up to stroke pansy. everyone loves pan, every one knows he is special.
i consider talking to my mother, it will be so difficult but worthwhile, i don't know what i can do to heal that wound, it's so deep and complex and possibly something i just have to accept i cannot fix but i feel obligated to attempt this. the moment passes and i'm suddenly in a past event with a witch i used to go out with, vikki, everyone thought she was nuts but she was probably the sanest girl i ever met. i'll write about her later.
i have not eaten anything since last night, i have not really done anything on my list, my head feels heavy, my heart is lighter than a dandelion, my teeth need cleaning. i write that on my list. 10 years later i still fill my heart with smoke, i still want those birds. i'm like a romantic tragedy, everything just fell apart over some thing i can't recall yet, something terrible that requires me to be safe. loyalty maybe, violence, a rage, something happened, anyway it's 10 years old and whatever it was is ancient history but there's an instinct inside me that gently asks for safety.

todays card the 4 of wands, represents completion. before i can energetically move onward in a direction that has meaning it is important that i consummate something that is set in motion. the symbol also represents having achieved something which is associated with completion.
the card represents something being completed and something initiated. it is a representation of emotional desire, venus moving in new directions, aries, but from a feeling that there has been a completion or consummation of relationships before one can venture forwards.

my thoughts are aligned with this reading, given that yesterdays was the death card, i understand that this is connected to my historical relationships with women, and the ravings in my blog over the last four months, reviewing these from an energetic stand point has been beneficial and healing. i feel completion, almost, i think i can take control of the next part of his process although it's fraught with complexity and entanglement it should be pretty straightforwards. i'm in a good space, my energy is good and i'm clear from a lot of negative influences except the little speed demon that seems to pop out when i drive down endless freeways and road expanses listening to my music loud.
i can work on that.
lets complete what needs completion and move onwards, it's a great day to die.
visiting agent stone is always a interesting, i always feel like she kinda gets me, although there's a healthy dose of questioning about my side of the conversation. i play with kia who once again cooks me a meal, he has the spirit of a chef and when he stirs that pot it's with such intensity i know that's where he is going, mini master chef.
agent stone and i talk about men, she is angry with them and i see her point. we talk about a mutual friend who is on ice, i share my idea of plant spirits and energy fields, agent stone gets this, even though she is a nurse she agrees, the multi dimensional aspects of these things are much larger than we can measure traditionally.
we talk about the strange conversation i had with debbie, stone suspects some ulterior motive but i didn't get that.
i just got mum wanting reassurance that her son was okay and that he would be okay. i got the need to close some wound that she had let fester and rot, it was eating her up. i got the impression that her mothers imminent death was hurting her deeply and she knows i am a safe place.
i drink three cups of tea. i play with kia who is really cute. i head home through the park.
i watch q and a, a show i like although it frustrates me in it's lack of vision sometimes and diverse guests recently. tonights show is amazing, every single panel member except the stupid labour supporter the biographer of julia gillard supports the positivity of the situation that exists now in australian politics. i was really impressed with kevin rudd's daughter who was gracious and beautiful.
i'm about to go have a bath in my magick oils and contemplate navels when two old friends abduct me and take me for dinner in an exclusive restaurant in surrey hills, i walk into a crowd of people who shower me with rose petals, it's something that happens quite often believe it or not, it feels like i am revisiting an ancient incarnation, the restaurant is moroccan, it's very lush. service is mind blowingly good for australia and when the food comes it's brilliant, just the best. my friends care about me deeply, i know this, they love me and i them, we talk a lot about our current lives, it's far removed from the old days when i was in that inner city scene doing my inner city stuff, it's quite strange we have all moved forwards discovering new passions. it's good to see these people again and at least have some connection to that time, they are mutual friends of meredith so i get some weird feedback about her, she is in newcastle living with her man, apparently all good and not as sick as when i knew her. i'm glad, i extend the tentacle of friendship love and harmony hoping that whenever gets back to meredith will be healing for her as it is for me, that was the strangest relationship i have had and i want closure on it for both of us.
anyways it's a good evening.
i return home late, smoke a cheeky one and sit under the stars wondering how many roads are left to wander down, it's been a strange old life, but im ready for the future.

Monday, August 30, 2010



everyday i chose one card from the deck and today i pull the death card which also means rebirth, it's the symbol of detachment and release which is pretty much where i am anyway, it's a good card to pull today, feels correct. i am very excited about the next growth period i face, becoming more of who i am as i let people and situations go with as much ease and dignity as possible, detachment is a form of objectivity that includes caring. i can't help but care. every ending an opportunity for a new beginning and something new to emerge.
i feel very much like something is ending and something is beginning today, it's a good feeling, i like this pregnancy, i like the potential unlimitedness of this, a little fear on the edge and a little bit of hope, who know's what rabbit i could pull from this hat, it's not a rabbit surprise, it's a giant octopus.
death rebirth, always good, always an interesting moment.
the big problem for me is my entanglement of the heart, and then i wonder... is it a problem?
it's not anything like a problem, just a situation, i guess it's stupid to attach a desire to it, it's just what it is. but there is desire and it's pulling me seven different ways, it's the desire for a future, a safe one with that girl, those birds. it's a strange journey i've taken, pulled apart by my own power, ripped asunder in a few e mails and words, logos. you don't know what you want any more, it's all a veil of tears past that, the only thing you can count on is the one who says she loves you. the rest is just a distraction pulling you into a quagmire of despair and trouble, just like the clique you run away from. you need a holiday mission, you need to get away and just sit down somewhere quiet, swimming and eating coconuts, fuck mission you're halfway through this life, you done everything you need to, you done to much, you really did suck the marrow out and spat it back, you hacked the cosmos, you tore everything apart and reconstructed it and now you need a moment where you can do nothing, feel the wind, the water, see the strange exotic faces of the people, look for familiar eyes with a familiar friend, escape this stale culture and intoxicate yourself with something unfamiliar, it's time to say goodbye and i say hello. rebirth.
drama fuels the human game, the tv and the magazines all function on high drama, exploiting and perpetuating a reality sandwich that offers no nutrition and ingestion. it's the glamour that dare not speak it's name, the maya that wraps itself around us like a cool ice machine smog, the weeping world becomes denser, nature has no place for these things, when was the last time you heard an aardvark suggest that a prominent member of it's local community needs to loose weight or get divorced, they just get on with it, what ever aardvark consciousness is, it's free. but the human game entraps. it's designed to. its a fable baby, filling a need that can't be filled by constructed reality. wanna be happy you gotta get to the truth, that takes a lot of front, not everyone can do it, not everyone wants to. it's all choice, ha! thats the killing joke.
bad choices, i made a few, dumb choices i made heaps, smart choices i got lucky a few times, but the best choices are the ones that i had no control over, they just came into being through my subconscious and the universal directive.
you see you have to know when to surrender and when not to.
it's only learnt through humility.
humility is a great teacher.
it's a powerful choice.
the native indians of north america know this, they look for this in their leaders, they know that without it they are lost.
a warrior knows this, it is a good day to die.
and the impulse towards drama and invoking drama must be slain, lest the stranglehold of the glamour drag us into it's insanity which explains the modern world. no amount therapy, no amount of medication, no amount of immersion will stop this decay, just offer another inauthentic construct to deal with another, the only way through this is through seeing the whole human game, power and control, are you enslaved or liberated and do you wanna be free.
captain mission reviews his women, he skids along the past like a slippery walkway to the future, realising that all the women are the same woman, various manifestations, faces, bodies, souls all vibrating at the same frequencies as i'm pulled into glorious attraction, let's face it captain mission loves them all, despite being alone, often melancholy, always crashing in the same car, a seriously deranged history and an eccentric now, he follows his star, he uses white magick as a compass, the pant medicine as confidante, intention true, the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune fly over his head, nothing like a good day to die, he takes his women and he loves them, gives himself to them.
the terrible clouds hover over the horizon, they carry rain and dampness, they bring violent change, it is written upon the sky face, mars torments me but i see it for what it is, angry gods yield before me, they are bound to my will, they weep before me, revelation. destiny unfolds itself, a million petaled flower, a many faceted jewel, the crystal kingdom of dmt, the fractal world of quanta, information hit's you like a bullet in the third eye, it's a soft landing with a sudden impact, it's the wild world at your feet, the wild woods stare you in the eye, you have the darkness and the light bending before you like a cosmic spiral enwrapped and entangled, you start unravelling the maya, you open it up with those strange large hands you had before you were born, the ones that fumble through material things but weave and wind the astral so easily, your eyes have changed focus, you see under the surface now clearer than the surface, it's a mirage this whole trap, a simple trick caused by smoke and mirrors and string and fucking ego, you know the way the story ends, it's the reason why we are born. oh mission you think, your a cryptic mystery man, but i am not, i'm an easy to read book with good illustrations, just look at the pictures, words get in the way.
now i must travel along the process of sound and vision, continue my narratives and explorations.
i will be leaving face book soon and moving to something better suited to my nature, face book must die for the lie it perpetuates.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

the police have intercepted me as i drive at 120 down an 80 speed zone, i have lost my license for 3 months with no chance of redemption. so i am faced with the opportunity to take three months of from work and fucking have some fun, there's a whole bunch of things i can do in this time, so maybe this is a blessing. fucking police bastards i hate em, out there with their high tech surveillance devices sitting in their cars hidden in bushes while the fucking real crims are raping and murdering folks, but they don't collect the cash from criminals do they, just from us, the poor suckers who fund them through tax now are fined for a little speed crime, jesus christ this is what it has come down to.
nathalie
street cafe, you couldn't believe i was jakes dad, you kept saying, 'i thought he was your brother.'
the first thing i noticed about you apart from being a cute french girl was your lips, wow those are great lips for kissing i thought.
it's strange how we connected, you and i, both starting our careers together, me music you actress, fuck you were good nathalie that audition reel was fantastic but once again it was me that followed through and finished what i started, i wouldn't have done it with out you though and i am grateful. you encouraged me, you were the first to hear my music, the first to listen.
i remember that day we went surfing in our wetsuits, fuck we ran along the beach until we came to the wall of seaweed, then we ran back, ha both climbed into the girls change rooms at newport and i ended up taking those lips for a test drive, yeah they were great lips for kissing. but i was focused and my aim was on my target, i was still getting over my brain injury and meredith and everything emotional was to much, i loved hanging out with you, eating and cuddling up but i was so damaged, so fucking lost in my gaps and lapses and those stolen three days, fuck i was still really heartbroken and all i knew was the need to finish 'adventures' but you were the only person i saw during that time, the only person who i didn't really push away, you inspired me and encouraged me and believed in me and that made all the difference.
in a way i should credit you for adventures, it would have remained an unheard solo project sitting in my computer if not for your belief, ha i think you liked it more than i did. but when i got the label on side i started thinking maybe there's something in this after all and then i was just sucked away following my stupid ambition and i don't know what happened to you, but i met you on the day you were leaving australia and it was to late to fucking get back to where ever it was we were.
anyway for what it's worth thanks. if i'm ever in montpellier i'll drop by for a juice.
one thing i find unacceptable in any partner or friend is when they humiliate or join in the humiliation of their partner, it's a weak disgusting trait that i have no time for. it's a sad reflection upon people that they have to do this, while i don't recoil from brutal honesty, this is a sickness and abusive behaviour that belongs with bullies and thugs and seven other types of immaturity. i've seen this a lot with people who drink, it's so fucking boring and pointless. go and fuck yourself but don't drag someone else into your pathetic perspective.
miss cupcake sit's on her balcony dealing with her clusterfuck, i'm driving over to visit her a million different things racing through my mind, but all pointing in the same direction, what is going on here, the past returns, the cards are dealt a second hand, how do they fall, i see the patterns, i hold all the hearts, ace, king, queen and jack, while you hold yours close to your chest. once upon a time you would bluff, take the winnings and run but now you are honest.
i see you have been hurt by the morning, somewhere inside you feel it, i know, but you nailed the game, you got it, saw his bluff and called it. i respect that so much, i can't tell you how much i respect you.
then we sit up there in your tower, and words pass between us, you attempt to challenge me but i challenge you. i see it in your eyes, you know i am close to the truth on this matter. your mature enough to understand this now, you are beginning to see me differently, through the prism of my personality, you get closer to me everyday but i know you. i know your defence mechanisms and the cage around your heart is ever present and i will penetrate it but in my time and my way, i am no longer influenced by any other person, no longer subjected to opinion trend and fashion, i am a free agent but i am your captain. that is true whatever happens.
we say goodbye, i stand before you almost naked in a sense, almost raw, exposed and capable of anything, we wave goodbye and as i drive home, i wonder if we shared a moment there, in that wave. was that a moment?
i visit hp who listens to my music, she is filled with nice words and loves it. she says, this is it, i watch her face as she listens on the cans, her smile expands as the track goes into it's 'whoosh.'
she is stunned, 'brilliant.' she says, 'i want to play it in circle,'
exactly what i wanted, exactly the response i needed to hear, just for this song.
i decide that i will ask pete to play on the closing parts, with his quantum instrument.
i head homewards, it's a big bold day, sun shine everywhere but i'm feeling bigger than the day right now, i need a week i can relax into, a week with you, just me and you sitting there drinking coconut drinks and contemplating our navels and i need to share that moment with you again. if it was a moment.
love has returned like a friendly ghost, a familiar presence around me, i don't quite know how this happened, i'm usually very aware of romantic feelings and the energies around them, the last ten years have been pocketed with them but i'm also aware that it would take a remarkable person to reciprocate and uphold and inspire my own genius, rather than crush it. very few people can do this, long term due to my mutable and multiple personas who often need expression in their domains, but the upmost principle is one of safety. i always said i was the type of man who could marry a whore or a nun, it makes no difference as long as i feel safe.
suddenly i feel safe and it's good.
i have a mass of things that need saying and i need someone to listen. that requires skill in itself for very few people listen any more, most post scribe it with a judgement or some comment about my state of being. i'm finely attuned, i know my state of being better than anyone, what i need is just the freedom to express it face to face without some weird side effect.
i know that time is coming closer, the seconds tick tock their way around the clock yet somewhere in time and space it has already happened. i'm already where i want to be.
emilie has the brain but has destructive urges and a need for high drama, it would be dangerous and therefore attractive but it's not really where i am at, although she possesses a spiritual dimension now i really like. she bought her house on my words which is a big call. now she wants me to go to guadda lumpa lumpa land and stay with her.
there are various others around me at the moment but the only person i really love in a romantic sense is miss cupcake. utter madness. what the fuck!
how did this happen, fate, destiny, some weird practical joke, did she slip me a pill in my tea, what kind of voodoo is this?
love your cluster fuck.
im entangled in mine.
i have two choices here, one is to detangle myself which i can do at this moment, given the position of the stars, my aura and general disposition towards life, the other is to go in deep like a submarine and see what happens hoping that the friendship remains intact. i don't know how this works when you get to this point, it usually just explodes in my face, fuck i don't wanna repeat history here, i don't wanna make mistakes and bad choices, i have made so many with the best intentions.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

i eat an amazing meal with miss cupcake, she asks me a serious question and i'm put on the spot, she asks what i read in her face, and i have to be considered here, now is not the time for such a conversation yet we are close, the time is near.
'you have lived a full life, experienced a lot more than perhaps you should for your age but you are entering a period of change where you are beginning to understand that things don't have to be so hard and that you don't have to take the hard road. it's a choice.'
i leave it at that but there is more that i need to say, i am restrained.
we see 'the killer inside me' which is brutal and disturbing, i don't enjoy the film but it is well made and it's left me confused about a few things, i understand he is mad, insane but i don't understand her attraction to him. the bad boy is just another psychopath, who manipulates and engineers people, where's the appeal?
and why do women like that sort of unimaginative destruction.
because they can change their lover, because the danger turns them on?
or is it because they are riddled with self loathing and negative self esteem that they need some one to validate that for them. is that not madness as well?
maybe not, cupcake thinks not, me i am just confused by the killer inside me. for some strange reason i don't wanna sleep alone tonight. where are my friends with benefits all gone. fucking abandoned in my hour of need i tells ya.
celebrity crash boredom saturation point you throw that magazine down and finish your drink, you smoke three cigarettes and wander into the study flicking through a few papers you find a number and go to the painting on the wall near your desk, push it aside and reveal the safe, punch in the numbers and open the big door. it's a big door but small safe. you reach in and pull out a glock, you load the chamber and walk out onto the balcony, it's been a long day, you look down on the city lights, it's been a long fucking day, you see the cars on the freeway, you smile, the city looks great at night, all those pretty lights, all those amazing structures, sparkling against the night. a tear makes it's way down the side of your face.
your out of valium, out of luck, out of credit and out of love. you stick the gun against your head. you take a breath, ah one more drink you think, may as well finish the bottle, it's a good year, expensive whiskey.
you return to the lounge room, pour a drink and activate the cd player, some old song comes on, 'wild is the wind.'nina simone fills the room.
you sit down in that comfy armchair. the whisky burns the back of your throat, it's good, numbs the hurt, that's all you want right, the hurting to stop. the gun will do that. you consider doing it in the chair, it would be messy and you have always been a bit neurotic. so you take the bottle back out on the balcony, this time no glass, there's no point, just drink from the bottle. ahh, it warms you, for the first time in a while you feel okay, but you know it's just a momentary thing, and you know if you are going to do it, you better do it soon. then suddenly you remember that you need to write a note.
back in the study you hunt around for a decent pen, you find a biro and start writing.
'i have to do this, there's no way out. i'm really sorry but i have no choice. forgive me.'
he leaves the note on the desk and strides back out.
the gun feels comfortable in his hand, he puts it to his head and pulls the trigger just as nina simone sings
'let me fly away with you.'
he smiles as death comes to claim him
i'm wearing my jacket today while i type away, makes me feel like william burroughs,if i had a gun and a wife i'd play william tell.
everyone loves pan, he's the perfect dog, quiet, gentle, knows who he is, he's a wise old beast with a strong and vibrant aura, he's my teacher and friend, i love that hound dog.
he's eating some bones, we just walked a lot today, getting into the sun and relaxing, resting up and dreaming bout cupcakes, coconuts and bones i guess. the spring has arrived, it's in the air, flowers bud, birds cheep, i'm feeling a bit frisky myself.
i gotta do a lot this spring, finish up snuff music, go away, get some vine medicine in me, be creative, write more songs and keep the words going here. the music and words are going to be different from snuff, i think i like the organic way of working, i will still use the electronics but keep it loose. the next project will be really challenging and some what original, i'm very excited.
but first i need a break, a short interlude from all the drama, sitting on a beach or near a pool, sipping coconut juice and lazing next to a beautiful girl reading my book and chatting about frigging dolphins.
all the women in my life have been amazing and i thank them to, brilliant teachers although somewhat challenging i thank you, i love you all for where i am now, you were all integral teachers to me one way or the other. even my mother.
it's a strange old life.
chilling out at mission control listening to a simple minds bootleg that is amazing, recorded live at the manly vale hotel in sydney, actually not far from here, these guys are at their peak, just before they crack the big time, wow, listen to derek forbes play bass, amazing sounds. but there was an energy about them that was so flowing, and elegant, interesting and unique. you can hear the influences, bowie, the german bands, nu and kraftwork but with soul, it's an amazing piece of music as it transcends, not many bands do that, the church and steve do it, but i don't really know many others, that can take me away but this cd does.
small club, great sound, energy good, captured perfectly, recording desk quality. come listen to this man.
anyway the women, yeah thanks girls.
i have to thank a lot of people. possibly not, lets just say one big thank you to everyone all at the same time.
thank you everyone.
i have to thank my father. he's a teacher. when i was a kid he read me adventure stories and fuelled my love of adventure. my love of change, travelling, and going where no one else went.
i aslo recall vividly the times he tried to teach me how to be practical, i never got anything he said. it steered me away from cars, machinery, tools, freezers more into adventure and new experiences.
my dad was a dark horse, hard to read but he loved the mysteries, atlantis, ufos, bermuda triangles, all of that stuff he loved. we spoke about it all the time, i was mad to meet an alien, still am. as a kid i just watched space, still do. i wanna be abducted by purple skinned women in neat space outfits with zips and straps and be used in a breeding program to repopulate their sexy planet. why not?
anyways i loved all that stuff and dad was full of mysteries and stories about his colourful past, in india with his family and their circus and their ghosts.
once my dad introduced me to weegee board, i was teenager and he showed me a board he had, told me never to play with it. mmm, bad parenting!
however my experience off it was neutral, nothing happened. i gave up pursuing ghosts and let them pursue me.
i had sex with a ghost once but that's another story.
there's a lot to be said for how these things inhabit our world but that's another story, animals know and understand this, they can see a wider perspective on natural sensory than most humans. they can see fear. smell it.
see this is reality, break it down fear and love. the duality under which we exist. you can chose in every moment you move through who you serve, because let me tell you love is the one thing that sets you free.
and i love my dad. he got a bit religious all of a sudden, i don't understand that, my mums the same, maybe when you get older you reach out to something and something finds you but i didn't think they would ever be, like, religious. it's all nonsense to me, i love the richness of the religions but not the dogma, fuck that,any religion should set you free.
my religion is simple 'believe in what you believe in but take responsibility for it.'
however there's a whole bunch of people that would misuse this idea and it would turn up to be just like any religion, a distorted view of the universe. individual spirituality is a private matter between a man and his goddess.
charle burchill plays a great guitar, it doesn't sound like a guitar, it's brilliant, the rhythms and the flourishes, the way it all flows. nice one.
anyway dad's a god fearing man but cool. he got me interested in the kabbalah and then magick, in fact when i was initiated in spain he was there. my grandfather contacted me from the dead through a dream, gave me a message which only my dad could decipher even though i intuitively understood it there was a word in hebrew which i didn't, but i remembered it when i awoke and asked him. we both knew right then what was going on.
cool huh?
the strange thing about my dad was his devotion to my mum.
that's cool to. i respect that.
anyways we had a good time but i was never academic, not like the way he was, i didn't care about academic intelligence, it was more lies and untruths, the only thing i loved was writing and reading. yeah my dad informed my imagination.
and also jake man,
ha! you know your mum rang me for the first time in years and we actually had a brilliant conversation, we both said how much we loved you and what a brilliant human being you are. it was one thing i guess we couldn't argue over. it was great, i always wanted to heal that wound, i didn't ever imagine it would be like that, with you bringing us together like that. see that's white magick.
jake we had fun didn't we travelling around, ha!
our goodbye was perfect, it was poetic and right. i love you man, i love the person you are.
there's weird shit happening everywhere , all over planet earth. deplug from the tv, news, media and the other lies and distortion and tune into what's happening on an energetic level, everyone is going through fear or love, in their many forms, now's the time friends, readers and my enemies, what ever shit your going through use love against it. it's a strong force, and it feeds you in a nurturing way. yeah the plant spirits changed me profoundly, any witness will tell ya that, that was revelation baby, took me out of everything, every single lie and illusion construct and distortion and left me in bliss. it's been the hard road for me but it's been worth every second to find this plant intelligence. the garden of eden story is this plant, the tree of knowledge, it's just exists within a distortion, which is why very few people get the concept.
white magick people plugged in to this, and now i am. yeah i recommend the plant medicines to anyone who is interested in the inner journey, rich on the inside is just as luxurious as being rich on the outside plus you get to enjoy it more and be more creative although i have yet to personally experience that kinda of wealth, somehow i manage to pay bills, deal with my constructs well.
anyways, turn on, tune in and drop out from the maya of humanity.
it;s beautiful out here.
nature, trees, the flora and the fuana, all intelligent spirits, more than the environment its an ecology.
my friend pete gets this, it's why i love him.
first time i met him he took me into a teepee i broke down in tears, almost immediately. i remembered my life back then.
pete your a great teacher man. i need to see more of you.
alliances have been broken, the rider left me with a bottle of water but she shot my horse and just before she rode away on hers offered me a cigarette which i refused. her laughter faded as i watched her ride over the horizon. she was a low down piece of trash and her betrayal would be remembered, i would get my revenge.
yeah i could see it down the time line, a bullet in the head, swift retribution, she wouldn't even get a chance to mutter a last word or two, just a dim recognition that i was her killer. maybe i'll linger and watch the life force fade out from her eyes, they say revenge is a dish served best cold and i could be mr. freeze for her.
but right now i was stuck here, the classic noose around my neck and left standing on a wobbly cross under a tree scenario. both hands tied behind me, the red hot sun beating down on my back. vultures circling above, it's the death in the desert by the hand of a friend. this happens, they do this friends, they betray ya if the moneys good. we had a lot of money, a shit load, we could have parted company and lived the life, separately, never seeing one another again, but she wanted more.
always more. she wanted more love, more sex,more shoes, more cash, more homes, more shit everywhere. it was never enough, one more job she said. and now she was riding away with my share of the loot. well fuck it, i don't care to much for the cash but betrayal is a the ultimate offence and sister you are going to wish you had never been born when fate catches up with you.
the cross moves as i try to regain balance, it's precarious, chances are i'm gonna swing here. the suns fucking not even halfway across the sky, once it starts to dip down it's going to be blinding. if there's any chance of getting outta here i should do it now.
inner resources.
my old indian friend told me everything is within. i start searching.
it starts at the base and works it's way up, the energy flow, i can move it through the charkra system. i can feel it rising.
okay everything is falling into place, i regain a sense of balance, harmony. my breathing is under control, my heartbeat strong, my blood flows and the energy starts rising upwards through the charkra centres, upwards and upwards, suddenly it explodes out from my crown, i see the future, the karmic forces i see the fate reveal itself in vision.
she is riding into a small town, it's dark, the only light comes from a small bar where the sound of a piano escapes, she ties up her horse and walks in, it looks like any old place in the west except there's a priest working the bar, a crowd of people playing cards, another around the piano and some women just sitting around desperate men, jyeah like i said, just like any bar.
she strolls up and orders a bottle of whisky, the priest shakes his head.
'you got some problem with that preacher.'
'women should stay away from this stuff, lest they end up just like the men.'
'i ain't no woman and i ain't no man, i'm me now fix me my drink and shut your talking.'
the priest passes her a bottle and a glass.
she looks around, all eyes meet hers, a particularly nasty looking jailbird walks over, he has a missing tooth and a scar across his face. the alpha male in the pack.
he starts to speak but you kiss him fiercely on those lips. then you push him away, 'let me finish my drink boy.'
the man starts to grin, he nods and walks away to the pack all hooting and cheering and hive fiving.
you drink a shot and another. the preacher stands across the bar cleaning glasses. you look up and meet his gaze, a chill runs through you but you don't know why.
'what's a preacher doing serving drinks anyways?'
'mam, i am serving you your final drinks and here to listen to your final confession.'
you think you have misheard him, 'what did you say preacher?'
'would you like to confess your sin?'
'ha mr. we would be here all night long if i started confessing sins. just keep the drink coming and i'll be needing a room to.'
'no you won't be needing a room miss.'
'what did you say?'
'you won't be needing a room.'
she drinks another shot, one eye looks at the mirror, the other at the preacher, 'and what makes you say that?'
the preacher is fast, he already has his gun pointed at your head, she is frozen, but she does hear the words leave the preachers mouth, 'because through space and time, through the wheels of karma and intention, from the cross and the noose, vengeance is mine.'
the bullet enters her skull, she has just enough time for recognition and her face is frozen in horror. she hits the floor and a pool of blood spills out from the wound around bits of skull and flesh.
yeah that's how it plays out, i smile, the energy flowing through me comes to a gentle pulse, i see it all.
the sun is blinding, the cross begins to move, gravity does the rest.

Friday, August 27, 2010

how surprised was i, sitting there in the sun, in silence, reading my book, the one the white witch gave me, i'm understanding the subtle physics at work now, whereas i have always done things intuitively and through feeling, now i begin to see how the whole think works on a sub atomic level although i'm uncertain that i would work in such a technical environment preferring the natural affinity i have towards such work.
anyway it's all good, i'm immersed in this book, trying to understand their maps of the etheric body when cupcake asks me if i wanna go for dinner and the movies, wow. i didn't see that coming, yeah girl i say, do i ever.
later back at mission control kite surfer girl calls me, she wants me to get married to her and visit her in guadalupe, we look at the cost of tickets, she's thinking about xmas, december but i think april would be better. we chat for a while, she loves me, i can feel it. then she drops the bombshell, she is married. to a cherokee man, but divorced and he's very jealous off me apparently. well i can deal with him i say, i have the lakota spirit, i lived as crazy horse and do not fear any man.
ksg says i am distracting her from looking up flights for me. she finds one for about 2000 bucks, mmm, not so bad i say. i dunno the idea of hanging out with ksg in south america sounds fun, she also tells me she bought a house due to me telling her she needs to wear green more. the house is called evergreen. ah ksg i love you to. i forgotten how much fun we had, you with your strange games and wind passion, ha we had some good times but you gave me a headache baby with all that drama. im older now and need a quiet life, no drama please and perhaps its a date.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

see i started my working life trying to help people, i did it as a social worker, therapist, youth worker, sex offender treatment centre manager, drug and alcohol worker, and i tell you now those are very ineffective areas. well they may have changed now but when i was working in these systems they were not that good as far as end point goes, it was a numbers game, movement through a system, occasionally you get lucky, you make a difference and that keeps you moving forwards but you also have to deal with managers and bureaucracies and somewhere down the track you uncover something evil and fucking depraved. here's where you just wanna quit or understand it, see through the surface. i been out with some very difficult women, mostly under the influence of pills or vodka, they not me. both evil in my book. oh i been there, i done em despite my instinctive aversion to them. my folks drink, always have, man i used to think that was cool but it's not, it's dumb.. it would be cool if they had smoked weed, or taken plant medicines. they are a different spirit. the plants love us and want us to evolve, the pills and booze spirit wants to enslave. it don't care about the people you love or that they love you, it has one over whelming need, like smack, more substance. i seen the bottle and the damage done. i seen the needle and the damage done and believe me these are nasty spirits.
these spirits infect women in such a terrible way, i seen the sweetest most beautiful girls just turn ugly and sick, if your finely attuned you get to see the energy that has inhabited them, it's not that difficult, the mask hangs over their face and the behaviour changes to the most ugly and cliqued type of hostility, the poor woman has no idea what's going on, she has been abducted. however it is a choice, everyone gets at least that. it's easy to say no, it's easy to surround yourself with lpve rather than people who are also infected to the point the parasites all reenforce one another until they start fighting one another, something that never happens in the natural plant medicine world. to the bystander or the observer it's just really boring and unimaginative.
how can you fight them, especially if the traditional techniques fail. the answer is white magick. i see the polarity now, black white. mmm, okay i have been some what askew, this is what i understand to be the landscape between dimensions, see the duality is really a singularity, that is duality is this dimension yet it exists within dimension that is a singularity, that must be god. duality operates on the ying yang therefore black white, taking black to represent the destructive white to be creative. however from the singularity it's the same colour a grey, therefore any magick i do in this dimension must be white as a choice i or my will makes.
therefore i guess with my boddisatvah vows i should just accept i now am a white magickian, which is ironic really as i am almost black. mmm, the universe is female and therefore filled with irony.
anyway's it's all energy work, turning fear into love, shifting the flow, the balance between the multiverse, it's rebel physics man, but always imagination under love over will.
the only way to defeat some of these energies is through white magick, light work, voodoo whatever you wanna call it. magick!
ultimately it's about fear and love. just gotta hit fear with love man. what else can a man do. i love you like a brother man.
all things spiral, time, space and consciousness but i to spiral, my life follows a path i can't quite see yet i feel it is there, every once in a while i end up on some detour or tangent, and often when i think to myself, what the hell am i doing here, it becomes obvious why i am here. the more time i live in the consensus reality the more vindicated i feel, glad not to be part of it, glad that myself and a handful of friends manage to stay out there at the edges bring a shamanistic perspective to things. the more events repeat the closer they get to where i wished them to be, and i am asked by people what is your desire, i've sought them all my friends, sex, love, money, fame, popularity, power, cars, washing machines, etc, but these are meaningless now, beyond mere objects and impulsive. sure there are moments when i have no cash and have to wait three to four days before i can get some but i'm lucky, people look after me, i have great friends who really do love me. i know this, plus i have the universe at my disposal. i usually manage to attract something into my life that i can put to good use.
desire is lessened, the wanting of things dissipates, as i spiral around there is less desire, less need to sate, my hunger becomes something empty that i don't need to fill, another void around my spiral, my direction is infinite.
we seemed to have an infinity moment at the ceremony, it came up a lot, pete mentioned it often and i listened and responded.
infinity is a paradoxical concept, it's beyond the human brain to contemplate because it would result in a mathematical formula that no one could really understand, however it makes perfect sense when you consider the scale of the universe and the dimensions it operates within.
my universe is not so infinite, it basically revolves around finding my girl, and retreating from the madness, just living out my days in sanctuary. i've done everything i really thought i wanted to do, i've seen enough and it's all been brilliant but at the end of the day there aint nothing better than laying in the arms of some one you love and falling asleep or gazing in their eyes until you see something you can live with. the eyes are the key to the soul, i always think they are the doorway and i don't like looking in the eyes in civilian life due to my issue with doors, but there are special times when i do and i have to say those moments are infinity to me.
a long time ago, maybe 22 years ago, my first year in australia i was at a wedding and in a line to wish the groom and bride. i was pretty young and not very experienced at wedding etiquette, i was with my wife at the time and she went to kiss the groom i went to kiss the bride and as i did our eyes met. fuck me dead!
i'd never seen such magnificent eyes, and i just said really loudly to the bride but loud enough for the crowd, 'you have the most amazing eyes i have ever seen.'
i didn't understand why everyone got so upset, new husband suddenly became all territorial, my wife got all embarrassed and flustered and the bride was just looking at me astounded but the truth was her eyes were amazing, green and black speckles, just like a milky way, or a spiral galaxy, i saw the cosmos in those eyes and recognised it. i wanted to run away with that woman, i can't even recall her name but she and i have unfinished business.
so infinity can also be finite i guess, it's just a perception.
and meanwhile down on the streets, a woman runs towards me, she has a small dog she drags behind me, she looks quite attractive but as she gets closer she begins to seem familiar, it's katz an acquaintance, 'i just heard you on the radio, wow i can't believe it, you were just on the radio.'
i'm thinking, mmm the deep fix getting some radio play again, excellent but then she goes on.
'yes. a professor was talking about youth culture and adolescence, he was explaining his theories of youth and it was exactly what you were saying, the voice the way he spoke, it was you.'
'how strange.' i say.
we exchange pleasantries, i meet her sister who has a ridgeback in tow, same size as pan, the dogs begin to get frisky, i say goodbye and wander on my way.
'goodbye professor' the katz calls out.

i am reminded many times how identity is defined by external factors. it is most unusual to have internal dialogue with the real self, most people are ignorant of this process and don't really care, some hide from their real self, some have yet to uncover it.
it's a sad lonely journey and i wouldn't wish it upon anyone because the process is traumatic, not intellectual, and the chapel perilous is a place only the few ever leave without being driven mad or suffering from further delusion. however it is a worthy task as sooner or later the soul needs to know who it is.
here instinct, intuition will assist, here one must let go of fear and become the warrior heart.
revelations like all things that lay in the unconscious slowly over time under the right conditions they surface and often manifest into your reality, the subconscious is where a magickian begins his / her work, looking for the lost things, the hidden, the occulted perspective.
these memories have risen, they are fractions of events from a history, a souls journey, towards it's final destination. i have aligned myself with certain people in my life, all i love deeply, my reasons are their healing is related to my own, but this is not a selfish act, it's one of the bodhisattva realm. the universe has healed me completely from my ancient history, it stripped away the chaos and left me undoubtedly whole. every negative event has been alchemised into the positive, perspective takes care of that.
as memories release and i become exposed to light, the patterns reenforce themselves, will, love, imagination, all working together create good magick.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

early morning dog duty, pan and i are entrenched in the new moon, it has cast it's influence upon us, we are symbiotic elements of the same being, canine and human, we have the deep understanding, the psychic bond, the affinity. i throw the frisbee but it gets eaten by a malevolent tree that sits in a dark part of the street, a tree that has eaten most of my frisbees and kidnapped most of the balls i have thrown, we have to give it up and retire to our respective days, pansy sleeps and dreams on his sofa while i have hair to cut, and a friend to see in avalon.
i wander down to cupcake central and we drive to a big private hospital that looks like a hotel, it's luxurious. what a four star place to be birthed, special rooms, nice shops and happy staff wander around. yes it is a nice place for some one to manifest themselves into this old world. cupcake seems to think i have a problem with doors, slamming them i think, it's such a strange thing to point out, but she is probably correct, i never really understood doors, windows i get, but doors i resent. some buildings have to many. what's the point?
we sit in the sun, near a beach, it's calm and i feel peace.
long distance diagnosis...
you are in pain, suffering for many years, you have no will over this because you have no understanding of the nature of your addiction, only a small fraction of it can be understood on an intellectual, emotional level, yet this does not free you from it completely because it's very nature is beyond traditional therapies understanding, and your own.
it's prime energies that result in this condition are grief, trauma and guilt. however these are so entrenched within the subconscious that they may not be accessible to you therefore trapped in a perpetual cycle these feed off one another and perpetuate the cycle of addiction.

self medication is often misused as a phrase to deal with these issues. although at the beginning it seems justified the use of alcohol or drugs is never medicating, this is a modern day delusion perpetuated by drug companies, alcohol, pharma, chem, multinationals and our own delusional selves. these types of medicine have nothing or little to do with healing. it could be said that people use these things to cope, in which case they are not treating the root, but the symptom. in most cases the root requires a continual process to uncover and reveal itself, to purge and dissipate the impulse that drives it. markers to assist are the processes i talk about in an earlier post, acknowledgement, understanding and love.

investigate on a deeper level...
all life functions as a vibration, from invisible spectrum's to denser visible tangible ones. just like the light frequencies.
it stands to reason that life energy exists in these dimensions as well. for example if a man dies his life force transcends to a different vibration, only the physical body dies, energy conversion is the realm of modern science yet the ancients knew about this before issac newton discovered gravity. some of these are in their own trauma and become so addicted to substances when the body dies the spirit becomes what is known as an 'elemental' being, refusing to leave this realm, it seeks out weak and vulnerable hosts to inhabit, possibly those who also have shared some traumatic event, guilt or self destructive urge. at some point your own life force has been hijacked by an energetic parasite that is now seeking to control your being and feed it's own malevolent agenda, which is to continue to drink. most alcoholics are in actual fact possessed by these spirits, hence the massive personality change. this does not exclude responsibility from the host but it becomes apparent to those around them that the subject is possessed or unrecognisable. often this results in perpetuating the guilt, trauma and grief. the worst spirits are white spirit ones as these insidiously come in many disguises, often looking quite harmless and recreational, these need healing on most levels beyond the intellectual and physical.
another perspective is we have created these energy forces from the trauma or root experience as a coping mechanism, for example a fear of intimacy or some trauma around intimacy may result in a pathological need to use alcohol as a social lubricant, thus dependence occurs. over the course of years the initial trauma becomes suppressed or forgotten and unnecessary to the host who is now functioning in legion with the spirit of the alcohols nature.

alcohol is also called 'a spirit' due to the nature of this phenomenon. it is nothing to to with religion or the supernatural, it's an acknowledgement that aa omits in it's 12 step program yet alludes to in a conscious way. this is because it does not have a very strong grasp on the spiritual nature of the universe, what it does is very basic, although profound and effective for some.
the impression i get from the small conversation is that the woman needs to forgive herself. she needs to have some one tell her she now has permission to forgive herself. then she needs to hear from you or some one close that her spirit is stronger than the one that inhabits her. if she acknowledges this she may be able to beat this. this is a question of will. then healing is in her own hands, there are various modalities that can assist but the most effective one is pranic healing or energy work. however there are so many charlatans out there, she needs to find one that is authentic and experienced, hence my suggestion she come to sydney.
my personal recommendation is you should be the person to tell her, 'i give you permission to forgive yourself.'
however this is not something that can be done over the phone, it requires what i call 'demonstrative' commitment. possibly the greatest act a human can do for another they care about is be there for them. this is healing in action because often the healer needs healing as well, and this relationship is part of the nature of the universal energy exchange some call karmic. such an act works both ways.
bass lines, simple minds, sweat in bullet, deep throb, deep fix, 'how about a song captain' some one yells, another says, 'poem' another says 'tell us a story.' another voice whispers, 'what is this night for?'

this is a great night for dancing, celebration, shake it loose, let it rip, skin up, let it hang, take it away, lets go crazy, out here there are no rules, no conditions, everything is undetermined, it don't matter as long as you attuned to the positive frequencies, healing, love, creation needs your intention man, it's gotta be a relationship, reflection, reflecting, times are hard, strange, we are all tested and torn apart by our illusions, see them for what they are delusions. sacrifice everything for nothing is true everything is permitted.
full moon in pisces
vast unconscious ocean stirs
the surface is calm and serene,
i stand meditating the reflection pathway,
they say this is powerful energy,
a silver shimmer
a walkway
a higher dimensional aspect
feminine
i invoke it
at midnight i smoke a joint and transmit my energy
it radiates from my crown charkra
in focused intention
healing love straight to your hearts
my friends
my bodhisattva vow is unique
it is sexual, sensual and transgressive
it is liberation
unbounded by dogma or control
i set things free
as i was blessed,
torn apart atom by atom
destroyed
and recreated
i love
and she is coming closer towards me
walking along that silver pathway
sensual angelic woman from the realms
my equal
we will rock and roll
we will birth the sun child
she will bang the drum
we will define ourselves
in truth
and all that good stuff

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

cold turkey what a fucking horror. it's not the romantic fucking thing you read about, it's three days of horror, despair and fear. it's vampyric energy corrupted inwards, the body in revolt, the creeping flesh becomes trickery as it deceives it's host. you will never know such a thing, as the mind starts to betray the sensory system falls apart, i remember the lights driving me mental, a single lamp penetrating my head like a searing razor blade aflame in pain. i shivered like a frozen bird, i sweat like a cooked one, i was extremity in rebellion, my eyes burnt holes in the walls, and my hands shook as i drunk water and threw up the food she brought me at the ceiling. nothing would stay inside me, i'd been living on ice cream for a year, the idea of food made my guts crunch. all i could do was smoke hash and shake myself asleep. you would wipe my face with a damp towel, sometimes you would sleep with me, sometimes you would whisper in my ear, you always looked after me, i was ungrateful then, somewhat selfish but you were saving my life, i was in your debt and it made me weak, pride is a dumb concept between lovers. i never begged you for a hit, i never said anything vile or aggressive, i just met your eyes and knew. it wasn't love that saved me though, it was will. i found something inside me that was stronger than the need, i saw the light baby, and it set me free, i saw my light, not some born again fantasy, not some religious concept, but the light was pouring out from me. i laughed and laughed when you said three days had passed, i fell asleep for 72 hours. i showered and my body felt strange, my vision had shifted, i was seeing things i had never seen, i could see the heat in the room, i could hear clarity and my sense of smell had become acute like an animal. i had a hunger, a need for sugar, i ate so much sugar, chocolate bars you bought a bag full, those bloody toblarones, i must have eaten 7 big bars before i stopped. i had another shower and put on my suit, i looked in the mirror but could not recognise the stranger staring back. i looked at you and you looked so sad. i saw your kit laying there, a syringe a spoon and that silk cord you liked to use. you freed me but not yourself, you tried but your will was not mine, you were fragile, it was all front. damage control as you flew around, the glamourous life, the air hostess that saved my life, just like in that song.
i tried my best to stick around, i tried to liberate you from the affliction but you were enslaved. the poppy had you bound and gagged to it. i said goodbye, i kissed you on the lips and bit down hard, you started to bleed and i walked out with that taste on my lips, you were crying like a baby and i walked out the door onto reichenberger strasse, with my passport and my papers. i never looked back gabrielle, until now.
gabrielle
with your amazing green eyes, leather outfits, scarves and west berlin camouflage, we were fucking supernovas, burning out our oxygen in that nocturnal city, man we burnt a hole in the universe, we were perfection, you with your cute junky aura, me with that far away look and dealer persona, the one i didn't want but it kept opening doors and taking us places.
words would pass between us and disappear, we speak a different language, body heat kept us alive through that terrible winter, your skin was always cold whereas i radiated heat, we couldn't get close enough, my dark skin melted into your pale, the house defrosted, the cat curled up around us purring, dogs would thaw, people would toast their hands around our naked flesh, we created energy everywhere. we would dance through the night time, iggy pop, bowie and prince stick out from that period, the jungle night club, on that big street the kurfustadamm. i loved your moves, the way you floated through space and always towards me. it was like watching a heat seeking love missile. explode into me.
every morning you would be flying of in a cute air hostesses outfit, dan air girls were always the ones for me, dan air girls rocked my world, i was in the mile high club all the time with you and your people. i met them everywhere when i was younger and somehopw i was always part of that scene. i had the golden key.
but sooner or later all that incomprehensible madness started to eat away at some weird thing inside, it just became clique, it was a destruction i wanted to avoid, i was hooking into you, mainlining through you in osmosis absorption, i sunk into the narcotic haze in berlins opium doors, strange corridors that led to cushioned bliss and that exotic escape from it all, the beautiful dreamscape we created, i'd make love to you in dreams while in our waking life we fucked each other raw, down to every single nerve ending and impulsive desire for sensation, everything exposed, i would have died in your arms if i had not pulled myself away. cold turkey, my will was amazing, it always has been resilient but it hurts, i carry that around, it hurts like hell.
love didn't come in to it, you were in love with your opiates although i believe you loved me somewhere within that need, but it would have been messy, i saw it down the timeline, i saved myself becuase i could see something coming into being, my future calling me, i had a son to birth and there were other things calling me forwards, destiny, some voice calling me towards life.
you were not so fortunate beautiful woman, you flew straight into the sun and disintegrated in one explosive mass, love missile.
the city takes no prisoners
the shadows fall undone
time scatters moments like explosions
and fragments set to stun
some are colours
some are sound
some taste familiar baby
some are to small to perceive
some are of the alien heat
and others just remain lost to me.
this place we lay our weary bones
where energy converges
her ultimate oblivion sucking all straight lines
into a single curvature
rejoice the flesh is passing now
send for annubis and maat
may your deeds be worthy ones
and your heart light
everything balanced upon a feather
for conclusions must be made my friend
it is now or never.
the song that is never sung
the painting never seen
to witness is to testify
the mind exists within a dream
all things fade
all things must pass between
all things enter the weeping world
as they manifest to being
rejoice
rejoice
rejoice
three times we kissed
three times our skin was sealed
three times your secret was revealed
sorrow
sorrow
sorrow
three times we parted
three times we cried
three times the bond was untied
this world of shadows,
puppets and strings
the refraction of light
distorts all things
to percieve with clarity
the veil of illusion must part
and then i will see you
with the eye of my heart

Monday, August 23, 2010

we interrupt this blog to bring an important message. we have travelled a long way, we have processed many systems, we have taken every idea apart, we have tested it, pulled it apart and turned it inside out, we have subverted the idea, and if it is found wanting we reject it.
all your memes are found wanting, this mind is enquiring, and vital. it cannot meekly accept your version of truth without putting it to the test. the host brain is super evolved, it processes information at high speed and assesses it's value, so far all systems it scans are found wanting except the magickal one. the mystic systems are limiting for this mind, it cannot subscribe to the full stop of surrender. it pushes the boundaries and goes further.
the magickal system once circumnavigated involves play and the host mind is a playful experience who seeks out other like minds, thus collectively the play is increased and the power of the mind is exponential.
we apologise for the interruption and return you to your program.
it is fair to say that if the self is a multitude then they are generally made from the various pop culture personalities we are bombarded with every day, tv, music, films all generate many types of mythological personality, some we carry around with us, some we aspire to be like, some we identify with. so do other people exist?
they exist if we invite them into our heads, or they force their way in. friends and family have more reality for us than people we have not met, but politicians, pop stars, people who are characters in a film or tv show, all have some sort of existence for us. take note of the mixture of fake and genuine, dead and alive characters here. anyone you have not met is imaginary.
out of these experiences we build our own identities, absorbing imaginary attitudes, and values. we often use a theory of mind upon them and then they acquire a reality of sorts in our heads.
for much of history people have grown up with parasites inside their heads, monarchs, gods, emperors, dictators, gurus etc.
these characters all strive to control the culture in which they live. they want precise control of their personality cult, and no competition. uncensored uncontrolled media has weakened the hold of parasites on most people’s minds in democratic countries, but elsewhere, tight control of media has strengthened it.
in a free country you can fill your head with a vast selection of real and imaginary identities and end up with a much larger self image, or you can retreat into a simple reality with one personality or god figure. there are many countries where you can either believe in one deity or face the consequences.
we live at a point where we live in a world where a substantial fraction of humanity has freedom of belief but hardly knows what to do with it.
some adopt a fundamentalism, or single issue cause, to create self definition others wander lost in the cosmos with no metaphor for self., squandering belief on one fad after another, some define themselves by relationships to others, and commit to nothing internally. they have to remain constantly engaged socially or with imaginary people from the media, or they cease to exist in their own minds.
when people stop believing in god they believe in anything, and this is the solution, not the problem.
new age, neo paganism, magick all adopt a strong element of neo pantheism.
as advanced cultures pass out of an monotheistic aeon rendered untenable by scientific thought, neo pantheism takes over as the spirituality of choice in the fifth aeon.
both science and fundamentalism hate neo pantheism and in doing so they have helped define it.
morning comes early, walk dog, chop wood, carry water, i'm moving through my day like a tiger on vaseline, i drive into babylon, share chai with evan and his mum and a lady called geraldine whom hear my white witch story and my total conviction makes them ask for details, the white witch has arrived and i send the hordes to her, heal, get fixed, time is short human being, act now.
i pop into the book shop and margret my book dealer has a book ready for me, a version of the ramayana with illustrations, it's perfect and i have to buy it, then i move southwards to why town again, some how i slip into space time loops and arrive almost before i left, i don't understand the physics of it but here i am in a cafe waiting for the cupcake clusterfuck to arrive reading my etheric body book.
her arrival is spectacular. floating across the road surface she is divinity in skin, what has happened here, maybe my healing energy penetrated, maybe she just worked something out, but something has changed and it's awesomely good to look at.
we look at the photographic representation of life she carries, yeah the forces of light are vibrating strongly today, oh it makes me happy.
she looks surprised when i tell her about my political convictions or lack therein, but i am honest about them, i don't think labour are a very deserving party, the factions are adolescent idiots fuelled by outdated ideologies and memetic desires that they are barely conscious off, they are parasitic and collectively stifling, where as i believe in the power of the individual. socialistic principles are lost upon me, they seem so ridiculous in light of history and human nature. a primitive political system created by the super wealthy for the working masses. blah, do me a favour the masses are entrenched in automatic programming, labour voters are like sheep walking towards the slaughterhouse with no resistance whatsoever. they do what they are told, where as i respect an independent thinker any day of my week. the planet has been over run by enough zombies.

my book the etheric body is interesting if not slightly technical, it encompasses a lot of what i know, although there's a lot of other new information there, just a different language. i'm enjoying reading it.
we say goodbye, we separate into our realities. everything is how it should be.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

it's very late and my evening was sent on a tangent of laksa and green tea and sticky rice with hp in why town. we are synched up, it's good, she is debriefing with me, uploading information and downloading, this is information exchange on a quantum level, we are almost completely telepathic, but we love talking, her about her recently heart charkra interests and me because of mine. i tell her a few stories from my history, shelly the minx, marnee the foxy super bright pvc wearing investigative journalist, tracy the hot blonde from liverpool. she's laughing, hysterically. it's good to see.
she suggests i need a massage, around my shoulders, she is right, i do need one.
she asks me to assist her with a significant task as a magickian, which i agree to give the nature of the task. i enjoy banishing harmful energies, my new ego likes it, it's a real pleasure to rid the planet of these things, fuck i wish i could do it full time. i seen what these things do to my friends, women i really care about and love deeply, these evil things, have taken you and turned you into something lesser and it kills me a little because it is not you.
so yeah i'm up for it.
bring em on suckers.

we end up having a look at the lake, it's about 2230 and the water is still, a little moonlight, some coasting ducks drift by in silhouette. i'm enjoying the nature, it's night time, stars.
mean words come from an anger that i thought i had lost, i actually don't mean to have written that last post with such a negative conclusion but i cannot erase it. i believe in you. i wish that you believed in me the way i believe in you and i am sorry for that negativity for it does not represent you. nor me.
sitting in the sunlight, central nervous system finely attuned, auric field clean and luminous, charkra system all smooth in crystal modulation vibration, i am at one with the multiverse, wanderer of the worlds, watcher in the skies, whisperer in your ears, every chance i get i work upon you, weaving your tears and cracks, where the light has poured out, where the distortion lays, deep inside the invisible landscape, i don't need your history, i am it, i don't need your story, i wrote it, and now in my shamanic persona as the eternal champion i will heal everything, starting with you. sometimes i correct the white sometimes the dark, i am non duality, specialising in restoration of balance, keeping it all harmonious, the forces of darkness and light do not bother me, i am infinity.
i don't need to touch you, i don't even need to see you, i don't need to know your about the deceptions you live within, i see through all glamour, it's an illusion to me, a stupid weak construction you create around yourself for selfish reasons. it cannot hurt me only yourself as they have done for many years, i bind the energies that have entrapped and enslaved you, they work for me now. i will liberate you from your cage but i believe you will put yourself back inside one first chance you get.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

captain mission wanders the streets of newport in his new aura and energy field, girls swoon as i walk past them, women start offering themselves to me, while their partners all gaze enviously at the wonderful aura that surrounds me. i push the girls away and head for the supermarket, gotta get me some crackers.
it's a messed up world out here, people running around voting for a government they think will save them, all these dramas played out in the media circus, left wing right wing, my budget is bigger than yours, i'm red, i'm blue, the poor fools that are plugged into this charade, can't they see past it?
strange plant goddesses and white witches make perfect sense to me, after all what else is a witch but a rebel in physics, and the plant goddess is the perfect wife for a voodoo love god like me, what else can a man ask for, mmm, the honeymoon would be kind of peculiar but what the hell, i'm an outta the box kinda guy. ayahuscia gives me a work out, straightens my spine, works on my joints, makes me laugh and helps me breath correctly, it's a good healing plant with super intelligence, i love the way it works.
i wander through the town at dusk, i see my friends, i travel the networks, ride the currents, hack the minds and hearts of those i encounter, see the lack. the lack of authenticity, the lack of reason, the lack of love, the lack of spirit, the lack of will, only until i encounter evan do i feel in clear clean waters.
we ponder the experience together, he is a great soul.
later at mission control i read the beginning of wendy's book, it's old and filled with wisdom but these theosophists are not my tribe, they are related but i don't subscribe to blatvasky any more than i subscribe to any one else, i am a pirate, i take what i need from what systems i come across and i hack it, play with the structure, fuck with the energy, manipulate the forces, tweak and modulate it into something else. the theosophists were mystics, i am a magickian.
the white witch is perfect, she's everything i ever wanted from a healer, reading my energy like a new book she devoured all she needed and then cut me open, she ripped out some bad shit, energy trapped in my aura, she spliced and diced, astral surgery, manipulating my charkras into their correct size and adjusting me using the invisible forces, the real ones, man it was great, i lay there listening to an om and some music that sounded like side two of low, but it was based upon the colour vibration of the spectrum and charkra centres, spellbinding music. we spoke about my past, my origins, my nature of reality, i did not hold back spilling the beans on everything i needed to, the low down dirty truth exposed like a turtle on it's back, the highs and lows, the crazy life and times of captain mission and his seven deadly sins, every removal was felt on the physical level, my body twitching and jerking around as she tore em out and healed the damage. wendy the with is the real deal, amazing.here's some one i can learn from, she gave me a book to read and some homework. very cool stuff about the etheric body, we also spoke about the medicine and magick. i liked her whole attitude, she was amazing, another real person who sees the world from a similar perspective as i, no wonder steve likes her, he's switched on. secrets revealed, strategies sealed, my auric body is enwrapped in protection, i have work to do.
no expectations is always a good strategy in ceremony, i didn't have time to think about what comes next today, i was just flowing through it, val and i wrapped up early and i took the cross town traffic on and won, home with time to walk the dog and organise myself, shower, find a white number to wear, pop in on evan and leanne who know the white witch, how strange that is!
they want me to go out with them for dinner and a movie, and the soft option has it's attraction let me tell you. there's only so many times some one can die and ayahuscia when she takes you there, takes you, but i remained committed as i promised hp i would assist.
well there were about three others there, all very cool people and we drank a lot of vine. she was slow to arrive but when she did i knew i had fallen in love with the ultimate woman, the spirit of this plant is incredible, it really is everything i ever wanted from a goddess and this evening was a total vindication of everything i believe. ayahuscia loves me and i love it. the experience for me now is always sublime and intelligent, no more purging left for me, just the beautiful download of information, the healing stuff and i'm now in a position to heal others it comes intuitively and instinctively, i fucking send out concentrated capt mission voodoo love energy last night, the high grade material.

my downloads tonight involve two people i love, one miss cupcake whom i thought about a lot and and whom i really respect, something i never really saw coming, she has dealt her cards really well and has faced up to some confronting issues and while she needs me i am her captain.
the other is steve and family whom i sent long distance healing direct from newport to bondi, i love you man.

as a group of people we were a team of very switched on, attuned and negotiating the vine with music, some chanting and some weird shit, voodoo, energy work whatever the fuck you call it, it works for me. hp was holding space, so lot's of movement, yoga, flow.
my download says, 'the universe loves you steve.'
miss cupcake, my download says, ' i love you, it's okay don't panic, it's all good.
i also was told to honour my teachers, so that in some way means my enemies as well seeing as they have tought me far more than my eduaktors at skool ever did.

that's it.
i smoked a lot of weed with peter, a guy i really like, he's a real human earth man, and he plays a perfect instrument called a 'hung.' which i will use on my song. as usual i sneak away for my own space with pan and we end up crashing out outside looking at stars.

Friday, August 20, 2010

back at mission control for brief interlude, walk and feed the dog, feed the flowers, i myself have not eaten anything for almost 17 hours in preparation for tonight, i usually fast around 8-12 hours but i'm gonna go deep tonight, see if i can release some weird energy around me. loosen up a bit, i'm in need of some loving and feeling somewhat like richard hell and the viodoids.
val and i recorded some vocals for the 8 sky place song, it's sounding great but needs the japanese drum part and the girl singer, i am not sure who i will use, there are a few options.
we realised we have an unfinished song that i may ask margo smith to duet with me, i did actually write it with her in mind a long time ago.
anyways we sound good, the song has more form and as usual val was able to translate my autistic expression of how i wanted this to sound, he is masterful at production. my vocals are getting better, i've a hell of a long way to go before i'll be comfortable with them but i guess you have to start somewhere.
we did smoke a lot which always helps me get into a zone, i wonder if that constitutes fasting though?
oh well tonight is a good night to die.
some people have a mystical capability, they find awe and wonder in the world, or the phenomenon of consciousness whereas others have religious capacity. they want answers to big questions and will accept any absurdity.
of all our instincts the religious one is vulnerable to profound suggestibility. all to easily subverted for political or social control or to make a living for the wicked old men who run these institutions.
most religious seem indistinguishable from mental illness. it tends to narrow rather than expand horizons, it takes myth and metaphor as literal truth, it values faith over experience, and imposes certainty where open mindedness has more to offer.
if you think about the fundamentalist beliefs of organised religion they are somewhat deranged and when they have millions of followers they will become very angry if they are challenged on the nature of their reality.
we can never know for sure how much the ancients believed in their gods, did they belive in the logos type gods as actual independent entities, or did they believe in them as mythos style, metaphorical principles to explain the human world and heart.
the greeks would have believed in the mythos until christianity engulfed it, exchanging one roman empire for another.
at the council of nicea the assembled had to decide what written texts would constitute the truth, therefore most material was discarded.
paganism had no texts.
it was all oral and designed to be elaborated upon by the orator according to taste and usefulness.
the new logo centric monotheism with a literal insistence upon the word of scriptures discourages mythological thinking and any reasoned enquiry. at the same time another logos centred monotheistic religion was growing with exactly the same technique, a sacred and absolutely true book.

man controls religion, has steered it from the goddess tradition, into a patriarchal control and power construct that is ignorant and dangerous. men have a lot to answer for.
cross town traffic, i'm thinking about the ten millions things and they enter and leave my head like smoke escapes, i'm feeling strangely unsatisfied with myself, disappointed, like i'm leaving unfinished business behind, but i have to be where i have to be, this is my space, making my music with val, talking over the things we love, listening to the sounds we make, the ideas that we generate, the conceptual framework that we work in is huge, i've never seen any thing like it in any art except maybe disney, or the greek mythos, it's a universe of mythology, it's the story in which the deep fix is just a part off, it's the multiverse.
i grew up reading about the multiverse, it's something i feel quite comfortable about, unsurprisingly steve and i spoke about the multiverse recently, both being avid readers of early moorcock, there's not many people that even know who he is and what he creates, much the same way val is unheard. for the moment.
driving over i stop for an intermission and end up buying three moorcock books, i was looking for the 'phoenix in obsidian' a book steve recommended but that one remains elusive. i did pick up the 'black corridor' the book that spawned the hawkwind classic 'space is deep.' so it came as no surprise that later when val mentioned the multiverse i knew exactly what he was talking about, we are remarkably attuned.
i'm explaining to him the sound i'm attempting in the song, 'err it's like the sound of the final command, majestic, awesome and terrifying, the last thing humanity hears.' he knows what i mean.
some girls hang around, a band called the femmes or something, they sound okay, i chat with them, val and i are stoned, we are laughing, the girls think it's hilarious. i have no idea what i'm saying, just some words escaping like smoke.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

unreachable, i yearn for the impossible, my desires are unobtainable, my wishes unfulfilled, my sorrow without end, my joy is shallow, the words don't add up, the numbers don't make sense, my lover is my enemy, my enemy is my friend, my killer sets me free my jailer releases me, the gods have banished me from their heaven, the demons embrace my liberty, the terror of death excites me while the horror of life bores, my spirit is deep and dark, my light is fading fast, my head is filled with emptiness, my eye's only see what they can't, my mind is not mine, what's mine is yours, what i want i cannot have today, tomorrow is another way, every step forwards takes me back, every step backwards brings a new challenge, every challenge brings an old friend and every old friend brings a new beginning.
it's relentless, pursued by shadows, dreams, yearning and hope, the brute will to survive everything, to transcend the whole game, to finish somewhere good, to have a happy ending, so that when i close my eyes and my spirit starts it's journey home, my last thoughts will be ones of love. did i love well, did i love right, did i always give my best to those i love. i don't wanna be thinking about failure, misery or a life unfulfilled. i did the best with what little means i have, and at the end of the day it's just a karmic concept, one that i complete this time, a long journey into the night will eventually bring you to a sunrise.
i walked today, a long walk into a why town, i was with miss cupcake as the mundane world passed us, she was not there, lost in some thoughts, sleep deprived and looking forlorn, i did not want to disturb her or intervene, sometimes you gotta follow your thoughts, but she looks so beautiful, and her mind is like a sabre, chopping through everything and leaving perfect slices, it's analytical yet lucid in the esoteric, feelings and intuition, all fighting to be heard, she's brilliant and today although she was well out of reach she was something to wrap your arms around and hold onto.
that's it i guess, that's what there is.
now i sit here awaiting the massive tasks that lay ahead, just like jason without his argonauts i am on a quest for a golden fleece, only we all know the metaphor, we all know his challenges, the sirens, the hydra, the cyclops, one by one they come and one by one i bind them to me.
thursday friday i'm recording with val, the mandolin part to my song, the chorus i hope with backing vocals and the japanese drums. it's a mighty song, it's going to sound epic. friday night i have to help host an ayahuscia circle, with new extra potent medicine fresh from amazonia, saturday morning i see wendy the white witch for some lessons in extracting elemental spirits and i'm hoping that she will be able to teach me some of her wisdom. sunday it's work.
yes i am spread thin this weekend but in my heart you are always there, your cute face and radiant smile, your quiet ways, the ones you seem to think let you down, your distorting is given power by this belief.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

everything comes full circle, kite surfing girl and i chat online for a while, it's our first conversation in years, and years, and i was only writing about her in this blog a few days ago. anyway as usual she wants to get married.
we chat about our time together, she's in guadalupe wants to come see me or me to see her, she say's she will pay for all expenses except flight. she says she misses me and wonders why we didn't get married all those years ago. what can i say, if i had a few dollars for every girl that said that.
actually strangely it's made me sad, but i shake it off as the conversation proceeds. i said 'we didn't get married cos you said that i snored, was to fat and smoked to much weed.'
anyway we have a very funny conversation and i remember why i loved her. she made me laugh and she still has a good brain, she also speaks about 7 languages and looks very sexy but at the end of the day it was her brain i loved most. but she was trouble, like a whole load of fucking trouble, yeah i know i am used to trouble but this was executive trouble, which is way beyond double trouble, trouble and trouble with a capital T.
executive trouble is almost a fucking clusterfuck, and kite surfing girl is chaos with curves. however trouble in all it's many forms eventually finds me, it's the magnetic attraction of like attracting like, not that i am trouble at all, but i'm good at working with it and the troubled always feel safe around me. im a sanctuary to trouble. i should get a grant from the govt.
oh kite surfing girl, you were already married to all those extreme sports bozos, to the wind, to your dramas, i was just a nice little distraction that played by my own rules, i was an enigma for you, a man, you couldn't get me but i intrigued you none the less, you never met any one like me before. sigh!
we did come close though in a way, it was a business proposition for you, and i would only marry for love. i'm a dumb romantic but i remain true to that side of myself.
as i tell her this she starts saying she could love me.
i say, ksg you do love me, your just like all women in my life, you won't allow yourself to actually be happy. i will not reinforce your negative self esteem, i will not mistreat you, be creul, dishonour you, but that's not what you want. you need men that re enforce your own negative self image and loathing. anyone like me that actually loves you doesn't stand a chance.
we have a long long conversation, she asks if i am in love with any one. i say yeah i am.
it's a strange thing though, the winds have turned, the breeze blows her back and i stand at the shore watching her wings,
then something weird happens, my ex wife debbie calls me.
now this has to be the strangest phone call i have ever had. we have not spoken in over 15 years. i'm so disorientated that i actually have to ask who it is again and again.
'it's debbie, your ex wife, the mother of your child.'
'oh yeah that debbie.' i say.
more dramas. fuck i have a strange life, i love it but man i'd really like a break, a nice girl to have and hold, a coconut drink and some where safe to chill out the rest of my days, what are the chances?
driving along, listening to 'white magick' what amazing sounds, amazing music, amazing words, prepare to be amazed, rolling down the window i drink in the day, it's stinks of garbage trucks, other peoples' junk and strong perfume, ah well, this is the garden of earthly delights. pan and i head down to the dog park, we chase a frisbee for a while but neither of us have our hearts on the job. all i can think about is my appointment with the white witch on saturday. mmm, intuitively i know this has been coming a long time, she has been there waiting for me to appear, i think i may have found a mentor here, i hope i can learn something new from her, she comes highly recommended and i'm growing accustomed to the idea of my teachers being women who are self realised, instead of men who diminish themselves with power and control. the whole game is now power and control. it's a savage humanity that preys upon itself.
i noticed i am being scolded and judged by some one, he writes with good intention but his execution is clumsy and inaccurate, he is angry at me, when there is no need to be. i am used to this, it happens a lot, people like to point me out to others, oh that's captain mission, he's some sort of drug user and anarchist punk, he worships baal and sacrifices children to drink their blood, yeah suckers, that's me, like you even know me.
ha! some people love ya some hate ya, what ya gonna do?
me i love every one, except that fucking prick who stuck the knife in, it's hard to forgive something as mean spirited and cowardly as that, although i will. in time.
anyways, chopping water, carrying wood, i have a house to clean and some papers to move, i'm sure i have a date with a cake shop somewhere to.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

swimming up and down in that horrid chlorine, i hate it but my client has to walk ten laps and i'd feel a wanker making him walk while i sit around reading and eating cake so every week i jump in and swim with him, offering words of encouragement and taking any residual frustrations out in some weird energetic boring as bat shit lap swim. i've never been a strong swimmer, i play in water, i love the ocean but pools freak me cos of all the chemical shit. however this is good, i bash and kick, push myself faster, longer, harder, i can feel my muscles aching, i can feel the tension, they stretch and excerpt themselves, it's actually good, pushing through the water, swimming along, mind focused on each stroke, all the anxiety, all the fucking frustration, all my unfulfilled needs and desires seem to dissipate. i pull my aching tired body out and head back.
suddenly my phone starts going mental, my week was looking nice and zen, and in the space of a few minites i'm wondering how i can fit everything in. i have a mad shedule from thursday until sunday, i have music to make, a high preistess to catch up with, a witch to visit, friends that demand time, friends that request time , friends that need time, friends that accept my time, it's looking like i won't be able to have any time for myself. that's okay i figure, i have a week in bali to look forwards to, where i can at least rest and drink coconut juice in the sun. i have not had a holiday like that since libby and i went to fiji, poor libby RIP, she was so cute and i was a beast, then i have three weeks leave to organise the last snuff music track and turn mission control into a recording studio again. i want to start a new deep fix project, i'm running out of time and my ideas are sprouting like fresh bean shoots.
i'm looking forwards to september, it's a good month for walking along the beach, being free and happy, enjoying the moments, letting things just flow and seeing where i'm taken.
brilliant daze, sunlight drenched i wander the early morning beach scape with trusty dog pan, we don't know what the day will bring, we don't care, we have our moment peace watching waves and contemplating the vast open skies.
i have a big day ahead, i do some laundry in my bath, it's gruelling washing in a bath tub, getting the soap out and squeezing all your clothes let me tell you. you're lucky you have machines and wives and husbands to help you, i been doing it alone for 10 years, with occasional intermissions from various girls who come along, but i do like my independence from the meddling hands of lovers who think they know how my furniture should look, what clothes i should wear, how i should eat and what social events i should attend, i fucking hate all that social shit, being nice and playing weird insincere games with people when all you really want to do is smoke some weed, seduce their wives, steal their car and leave em hating you. actually their wives are just cloned androids, i prefer having a decent conversation about something meaningful rather than flip flop my way through the idiot topics of sports, food, what i did at the weekend, let's cut the shit and shoot straight.
anyways i'm daydreaming about some tropical girls with coconut oil and skimpy bikinis when the next best thing comes along and we have a drink in the sun, she's insanely gorgeous this morning and i'm trying hard not to drool, thinking about anything to distract myself, but all i can do is think very bad thoughts. the talk this morning is about, err babies, cruises, trips and doctors but i'm wishing she wasn't leering down with that cleavage, all smelling good and soft. mental discipline is sliding all over the place, thank god she has to drive away in the nick of time, before i blurt out some crazy idea or ruin something that i really love having in my life.
now i'm off to swim 10 laps.
brand new day brand new hat brand new attitude, reminds me of a day with kite surfing girl. after a long bout of laughing hysterically i'd just told her i would like to just keep her brain in a jar between my two fish tanks, sending electrical stimulations into it every now and then when she deserved rewards and pleasure, or if necessarily a little attitude modification.
she laughed and then went away with her husband to the gold coast.
she text me every hour for two weeks, she hated her holiday, there was no wind and she was travelling with some sort of extreme moron. when she got back i was off to see steve play an acoustic gig in newtown and she insisted on coming along. i tried everything i could to dissuade her but she would not have a bar of it, so i picked her up and she tagged along.
it was dreadful, as soon as we got there she wanted to shoot cocktails with me, fucking tequila slammers, in her tight pants, corset and high boots and that french accent it was indeed a difficult one to deal with, torn betwixt the devil and the deep blue sea. i lost my temper and she laughed at me. then i got my revenge, at 5 am i woke her up, she was hungover and in a foul mood. i had the nsw weather map on the laptop, and the conditions were perfect for kiting.
now she was torn between the devil and the deep blue sea.

Monday, August 16, 2010

i don't like these moronic politicians, i don't like what they say, what they whine on and on about, incessant nonsense, funding this, funding that, economic gymnastics, number crunching, sound bytes and photo ops, it's all strategy and smoke and mirrors, all the same, all the time, those that really think there's a difference are kidding themselves, wake up australia, don't fucking vote for these two, don't vote green don't vote full stop, it just encourages them.
dumbocracy rules supreme, the best system from a bad bunch but it's not democracy, newspapers manipulate, the left creeps forwards with it's trendy lost causes, the right moves forwards with it's fear, there is no escape from it unless you unplug.
these people will sell your souls, they will take your spirit and crush it in an oppressive infrastructure of law and penalties, strange invisible strings that control and manipulate the cash crop. you.

i'm having a strange day, early morning i'm driving to a place i don't wanna go, a place where they stuck a knife in my back and then wept at my demise, a place where not one person ever stood up for what was right and just, instead like most of the zombies i have come across they took the easy way out, appeasement. yeah just like king kong, management needs a sacrifice, yeah put me in a cute dress, i'll be fay ray for you. but like all cute blonde's tied to a stake, the monster sooner or later falls in love with the victim and now they are calling me to return. i do my job, i leave and head back to mission control for a while, i play frisbee with pansy, i wander through the corridors and attempt some cleaning, the sun streams in, the trees look good, the sofa feels fine, my head feels fine, my heart feels fine, i do some meditations, i contemplate my last snuff song, unfinished and sitting there waiting for some closure, snuff music should be finished in two months, i have to do some vocal stuff and add some guitars. design a cover and write some sleeve notes, then it's done and i can move on to my next musical project.
i'm driving again, listening to something called white magick, it's beautiful, fuck, i can't believe the consistency here, it's really really good. these are songs, they are sad and sublime, these songs will only be appreciated by a few old souls, they will be heard and played but only a handful of quiet gentle souls will get it. it's the music i'd like to die to. the singing is perfect, such subtle harmonies, such magnificent structures. when i reach my destination i stop the car and listen to the end of the track, i can't leave it, it tears me apart.

i'm driving back and forwards, i'm tired, micro sleeps, i'm sleeping at traffic lights, i'm sleeping at give way signs, i'm tired and feeling empty, my battery is low, i'm in need of some kind of respite, it's been a long long day, a long long month, a long long long life. some one from perth is calling me, a girl i met a few years ago, she wants to see me, she's offering me a ticket, money in my account, but i know where it's all leading, a lost weekend, another girl another planet, the thought of it makes my head hurt, i feel trapped, i just wanna fucking keep driving and find some where safe to hide out. yeah perth sounds nice, all expenses paid, but honestly this woman would drive me mental in half and hour, i'll be looking for a way out, climbing up the walls, ripping the fucking program from her circuit, she's a lost cause really. i ignore the calls, ignore the texts and ignore my own selfish drive for isolation.

suddenly it's late and i miss hp, i really need to see her, need some sense of security and fucking perspective, everything seems to have fallen away, it's just loss after loss after loss. as i reach for the phone val calls, we lock in some recording days. i remind myself who i am, what i am, he's re affirmiong my mission. i'm a front line front man in a trans dimentional pop band, i have a message for you all, snuff music is coming. then hp calls, we make a tentative play date. i feel better now. i have to.

i miss steve as well, i realise now how lonely i am in this world, it's a handful of people that i can relate to now, a handful that share my passions, not many at all,
sometimes it's just joyous to spend time with those people, it makes me feel sane. there's not many people that can take plant medicine and listen to 'low' and feel the same, it makes me feel like i am worth something other than a paycheck, a face, a fucking eccentric old man who lives with a dog in a house near the beach. i gotta get focused now, get the surf happening, ride the waves, get the mental clarity, physical health organised, i got be the carrier of the message, i gotta fight and fuck my way through the bullshit and get me some liberation from the maya that drags us all down.

later i'm alone, quiet time, i'm about to text miss cupcake when she fires one first, it's the photo, all looks pretty good, a little tail turns out to be a cigarette, mmm, maybe just a hand, i don't know, to me it's just a blob. but i'm happy for her, she's got what she wanted and despite the circumstances i'm very very proud of her, i do love her and just want her to be happy and feel good about herself.
me, i'm feeling kinda strange, a bit sad actually. but it will pass, tomorrow when i throw myself into the surf it will all be washed away and i will emerge anew. my needs are not hers, my needs are specifically attuned to my great work, music and words, one day i will spawn the girl, jakob's counter point, i see her face sometimes, dark and mysterious, a sirens voice, an artistic heart, a rebel with cuase, a fighter and an artist, fire in her eyes, water in her smile, earth upon her hands and feet and air inhabits her spirit, no one can pin her down no one knows her, no one tames her, she is a wild spirit but her fathers daughter, and i know she calls me, but i think i have some time. i don't know why this impulse is so strong, miss cupcake has birthed it, but i think it has been there for about 10 years but now it is beating louder, everything is coming into being, the 2012 is reaching back to us, dragging us all into the interconnection, that girl is calling from my future, she is reaching backwards in time and space and her hand is directed at me. i can see this very clearly.