Friday, May 12, 2006

disaster is to small a word to describe last nights events, catastrophic may more apt. my beautiful salmon presented with an exquisite salad and Moroccan pumpkin, sat on the table waiting while emilie finished her phone calls, one of which put her in a filthy mood, however the meal was pretty good, even cold, my bueberry rums were not suited to emilies tastes, however my high grade organic green goddess weed was well appreciated as was a bottle of kaluha i found which we added the blueberries to and while they exploded in our mouth, we got smashed and mashed, listening to richard ashcrofts brilliant first solo album playing on repeat.
for some reason emilie wanted a list of all my previous lovers, i think cos, i was telling her i had just got my bloot tests back and they were all good. she did the same list herself, although i am indifferent to peoples pasts, everyone has a history, it certainly bears upon them to an extent but i don't see the person as their history. it was strange to write such a thing, waves of joy as i recalled, Nicole, Marnee, Genie and various situations that surrounded us, times places circumstances, everyone identified by some sexual uniqueness. in total on my list 40 to emilies 80, mine lasting much longer than emilies who seemed to have a 4 week average. anyways i am not sure what the experiment was all about, but emilie took to her calculations like i imagine einstien did in his post office, revelation after revelations as she revealed statistics and comparisons, i was certain that at some point she would discover the unifying therory of relationships and the world would be better off, however there was some thing not quite right about it, the numbers didn't crunch and emilie looked a bit depressed, i obviously was lacking in something somewhere in my sexual history, anyway it was all down hill from there although i did fall asleep next to her, my heart beating faster than a pounding tom tom, i thought it was going to explode, reverted to doaist breathing stratagies, laying there i was not sure what to do, it was like being stuck in an awkward moment, suddenly over come with indiscisiveness i was frozen, if i attempted anything i could be stepping over some line, if i didn't i wouldn't be stepping over a line, fuck it was as if all the philisophical moral and ethical choices were parading through my brain, and my arm, awkward, where does it go, why is her back to me, is she sleeping, will she be angry if i wake her, what am i going to do with this hard on, yeah i was having a meltdown and my brain siezed up and fell asleep. emilie left the room due to snoring, i can't imagine myself snoring but it must be a awful thing.
so in the morning i make breakfast and she checks her e mails, she's angry and upset about some family thing, writes back, a vitrolic message to her younger sister, curses at the weather, no wind for the weekend = no money for her, and i just look at her and know she is lost to me.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

captain, you've always said your friends are those who tell you what you need to hear, not necessarily what you want to hear.
well, its up to you to decide the configuration of your wants and needs, but as a friend - you gotta get outta this girls orbit.
the only place shes takin' you is into an emotive tour of your residual past, which i think is a beneficial thing.........until it comes time to fabricate a future.
be careful of how much of your redundant memes are creating a future you may not be happy with.
you dont have to suffer.
there are partners with whom you can play in clarity & confidence. by all means use emilie to burn out any old neurological patterns - crash your system.
but when it comes to thermo-relationships, you are in a high state of entropy here. you have carved deep into the block.
of course i could be totally wrong with all of this. but you dont sound happy.
stop being safe

captain mission said...

ha mr opinionator,
firstly thank you, you offer great insight and wisdom and any mere mortal would certainly be prudent to pay heed to this advise, but old captain mission impossible, certainly knows emotive pasts have passed and any revisiting is neither nessessary nor required in this particular tangent, which is why i chose not to have sex with emilie, i don't want to be on a list of people i have shagged, i rather be on a list of people i love, that's much cooler.
i have run diagnostic checks, apart from a foggy head and a mouth that needs a steam clean, everything is perfect, everything is just perfect.
once again, thanks and keep tuning in for the further adventures off.......

Anonymous said...

captain, you may be beyond the event horizon of residual memes, but emilie obviously isnt.
no entropy can pass the event horizon.
i dont think sex has much to do with it. you may not be on that list, but you may well end up on the 'people i get bogged down with' list.
just be clear with which circuit is doing the future-crafting.
just because you manifest it doesnt inherantly make it valuable. its what you continue to manifest unconsciously which is where the value is.
of course, if you are happy with where youre at, disregard this opinion.
lonliness is the most boring manifestation of fear.

captain mission said...

intresting stuff mr. monkey eater but i don't agree with you when you say,

'just because you manifest it doesnt inherantly make it valuable. it's what you continue to manifest unconsciously which is where the value is.'

because everything has value, concious or un, here it's just a projection and i like movies with girls in them, the more challenging the better, the more complex they are the more simple my movement through their wake.

remember you are always the driver of your own experience and reality.

sex has everything to do with it, in respect to the game that is played out here, i did not play the game, which is paradoxically a game in itself, it makes me the only person in emilies life (that i know about)that didn't do what she expected a man to do, which for reasons of confidentiality i can't explore, other than just saying, various other distortions around self image and self respect come into play, an extreme tendancy to self mutilate almost to the point of death, the balance of control and power is so fine here Mr. Eater that the challenge is to navigate through safely, i can only steer my own ship, but i can make sure i cause as few ripples as possible and if possible assist emilie on a path of healing, which needs covert encouragement, the control game is not for the faint hearted, it takes a steely resolve and nerve.

Rest assured all is well here, nothing is outta whack, Mission Control is functioning at 101% and thanks you for your intrest.

ps. bare in mind that the blog is only a fraction of my reality, the map is never the territory.

Anonymous said...

everything has value if given it. nothing has INHERANT value.
but thats not really the point i suppose.
i agree that one is always the pilot of ones experience - but how much of ones experience is out-sourced or hollow imitation? how much do you allow others to choose for you, then just pilot the result? how much action do you pilot compared to how much re-action?
i dont doubt that everything is as you want it, but im still not convinced that sex has anything to do with it. a byproduct of a more discreet process possibly.
but then again, you dont need to convince me.
im sure its all surfable. im just throwing my opinon about.
and sure, the map is not the territory. however much it may appear to be.